i found this article while reading my OLD xanga (from 2007)

Ministry Can Be Dangerous To Your Spiritual Health By Tim Keller

We want Christians to be active in ministry, not just 'consumers of spiritual services.' We want Christians to become volunteers, and lay leaders, and church officers, and staff members of churches and ministry organizations. There is nothing so fulfilling as to see lives touched and changed through your service.

But the Bible sounds a cautionary note. Christian leadership entails telling people every day, "God is so wonderful!" You will constantly point people toward God's worth and beauty, despite the fact that often your own heart is numb or dead to any sense of divine love and glory. What will you do in response to that? There are two things you can do.

The first (and right thing) to do is to watch your heart far more closely than you would have otherwise, being very disciplined to observe regular times of daily prayer. In these times you may find your heart warming a great deal to God's reality. Prayer then fans the flame of that reality constantly, so you can speak to others out of what God is giving you in your walk with him.

It is also possible that your heart may stay feeling spiritually dry or even dead. In that case you keep your stated times of prayer even more diligently. And you humbly acknowledge to God your dryness and set your heart to trust him and seek him despite it and during it. That deliberate act is itself a great step of spiritual growth and maturity. When you talk to God himself about your dryness (rather than just avoiding prayer times) it reminds you of your weakness, your dependence on his grqace for absolutely everything. It drives home the importance and preciousness of your legal standing in Christ.

The second (and wrong thing) to do is to rely not on prayer and your personal walk with God, but on the excitement of ministry activity and effectiveness. In other words, you can rely more on your spiritual gifts (of ministry) than on spiritual grace. In fact, you will probably mistake the operations of your spiritual gifts for the operation of spiritual grace in your life. 'Gifts' are abilities God gives us to meet the needs of others in Christ's name--speaking, encouraging, serving, evangelizing, teaching, leading, administering, counseling, discipling, organizing. 'Graces' (often called spiritual fruit) are beauties of character--love, joy, peace, humility, gentleness, self-control. Spiritual gifts are what we do; spiritual fruit or grace is what we are. Unless you understand the superior importance of grace and gospel-character for ministry effectiveness, the discernment and use of your spiritual gifts may be very dangerous.

The terrible danger is that we can look to our ministry activity as evidence that God is with us, or as a way to earn God's favor and prove ourselves. If our heart remmbers the gospel, and is rejoicing in our justification and adoption, then our ministry is done as a sacrifice of thanksgiving--and the result will be that our ministry is done in love, humility, patience, and tenderness. But our heart may be continuing to do the same self-justification it has always done--seeking to control God and others by earning and proving our worth--through our ministry performance. When this is the case, there will be the tell-tale signs of impatience, irritability, pride, hurt feelings, jealousy, boasting. We will identify with our ministry and make it an extension of ourselves. We will be driven, scared, and either too timid or too brash--until we see what we are doing. And perhaps, away from the public glare, there may be secret sins. It all shows that the ministry performance is exhausting and a cover for either of the two forms of pride: self-aggrandizement or self-hatred.

Here's how this danger can begin. Your prayer life may be non-existent; you may have an unforgiving spirit toward someone; sexual desires may be out of control. But you get involved in some ministry activity and the situation draws out your spiritual gifts. You serve and help and people tell you how great you did. You see yourself touching lives. And then you conclude, "God is with me." But actually, God was helping someone through your gifts, even though your heart is far from him. Eventually if you don't do something about your lack of spiritual fruit and gracem and instead build your identity as a Christian on all your ministry activity, there will be some kind of collapse. You will blow up at someone or lapse into something that destroys your credibility. And everyone (including you) will be surprised, but no one should be. Spiritual gifts without spiritual fruit is like a tire losing air.

So examine yourself. Despite being effective in ministry--is our prayer life dead? Do we struggle with feelings slighted? Are our feelings always being hurt? Is there a lot of anxiety and joylessness in our work? Do we find ourselves being highly critical of other churches or ministers or co-workers? Is there a lot of self-pity? If these things are true, then our ministry may be skillful and successful, but it is hollow, and probably we are either a) headed for a breakdown, of b) doomed to produce crowds and funds but superficial long-term effects. Kuyper somewhere said that Phariseeism is like a shadow--it can be deepest and sharpest closest to the light.

The ministry polarizes people. It makes them far better or far worse Christians than they would have been otherwise, but it will not leave you where you were! There are enormous pressures in the ministry on your integrity and character.